Terms and Conditions: 'Writing is hard—Don't be a jerk'

By Travis Duprey, April 2010
Political Editor

Criticizing the use of language is a great writerly hobby, perhaps second to writing itself. Being somewhat in that fold, I take language seriously. This is life or death business (like ping pong). When my dashes are printed as colons, I have aneurisms, and when a word is changed, I pick out sleeping pills

I recently lost my faith in an ordered universe when an “Arizona Republic” article lead included the phrase “searching to find.” Things bother me. So here are my terms and conditions. If you don’t agree, you are prohibited from using my software
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1. Respect my time: Don’t use two words when one would do… and if you feel an urge to use three, slit your wrists so that you pass out before you get them all down
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2. Respect my intelligence: I know “people are dumb” and maybe I am, too. But it’s OK if I work a bit to read something complicated. I’ll feel good afterwards. When I read a belittlingly obvious explanation, I begin to feel my teenage-acne-angst returning. Don’t do this to me. It’s mean. Make your reader step-up. If they wanted to be watching television, they would be.

3. Respect the truth: Don’t lie to me. I don’t need to know that you’re factually wrong to know when you’re vomiting poop. I can smell it. I’ve had a long running debate with myself on whether politicians and pundits are predominately evil or stupid. I’ve concluded that they are “manipueviltarded.” It is a sin. They will go to hell
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4. No Posturing: You have no business telling me that you are good at anything. Tell your shrink. Show me. Don’t tell me that you are “fair and balanced” or that you are “trusted” or that you print everything “fit.” If you did, you wouldn’t bother to say it. As much as I empathize with the girl in high school who kept telling me how pretty and smart she was, she should not be writing your PR campaingn .

5. Say what you mean and mean it. Don’t be coy unless you’re smoking hot, half naked and plan on coming over. Avoid euphemisms like the swine and vampire flu. Don’t tell me you’re a “family man” when you mean “hate gay people.” If you’re not sure what a word means, look it up and never trust a thesaurus. There’s a reason it stole a dinosaur’s name. No two words mean the same thing.

6. Remember that these rules don’t apply to me. Writing is hard. Don’t be a jerk.